Listening is an important part of our communication (and thus engineering) toolset that, as I am sure many have experienced, often we or others forget to use. There are many benefits to using this tool. I had hoped to make my point with the title, but I didn’t think it was enough so I made the image above. As they say a picture says a thousand words and was hoping that an animated one would say slightly more and therefore I could avoid writing that much.
…and yes I know that sometimes they are missing an ear. Also it loops so you might have caught it in the middle. Also, I suspect I might not have been as clear as I wanted. Alas, back to the writing.
The first thing I discovered was people really like to talk; so it makes sense that we, (or someone at least) should listen to them. Secondly a conversation is an exchange between at least two people involving two actions at the most basic level, speaking and listening. Therefore, there are ways of doing both effectively and not so effectively. So, if one person is talking and the other is only sort of listening it’s more like one and a half people are talking. Going back to the toolset analogy, while speaking might be likened to a hammer (somehow), listening is more like a shovel; it lets you dig beneath the surface to get some indication of what’s really going on, and in general know more about the person you are listening to than you knew before. My experiment with listening, involved a conversation with my next door neighbor (actually it was more like pure luck as we just ran into each other) that lasted just about the 45 minutes required and it was interesting. It also wasn’t easy.
Not reaching quick judgments (if any) and suspending one’s own thoughts on the matter being discussed requires a huge amount of self-control and I found I have to continually be aware of my instincts. The conversation covered a variety of topics of common interest but in order to practice empathetic methods of listening, I generally let him do most of the talking. I noticed that the setting of the conversation also has an impact. Since we were standing in the hall way there were distractions abound and these have the most destructive effect on conversation; a single distraction for the shortest time can smash the flow of conversation, like throwing a large boulder into a smoothly flowing river. Something I noticed about myself, a possible area of improvement, was that when genuinely and especially keen about what was being said I felt the urge to interject my own thoughts and had to fight it to hold myself back. Had I interrupted, the flow of the conversation would be broken and I would have missed a lot of information. This brings me to the main point.
Listening gives you invaluable information about the other person and about yourself. Listening empathetically, carefully, means When the other person is speaking its entirely about themselves and you ‘re entirely absorbed in what they are saying, in my opinion, in some small way you become the other person because, to truly make a connection requires a degree of sincerity and trust on both sides. Not only are you able to observe from the outside through body language, which for example, makes it clear when the other person is uncomfortable, but also are able to observe them from the inside through their thoughts. I feel that Not only was I able to learn more about my neighbor but also improve my ability to observe and reason by processing their thoughts. As engineers, form previous assignment we know what we do depends on good communication, and this depends on interaction with other people, and this in turn makes observation skills and information priceless.
A conversation is a two way thing in two ways; you learn, they learn, you share, they share, and It is a unique and invaluable opportunity, if the other party is willing to talk and you are willing to listen well, it is a chance to step into another person’s mind and see their world.
Some things I find are needed to listen empathetically:
Curiosity
Asking both specific and open-ended questions
Who are you listening to?-be attuned to verbal and nonverbal indications, e.g. the tone of their voice and various body language.
Act in a manner so that you add value to their points
When you disagree, instead of criticizing find alternatives or common ground.
Also, I hope it wasn’t too much trouble to read this very long blog; I was on a roll…
